Happy Opening Day, Everybody, Here’s Colin Cowherd on Dietary Nutrition and Flatulence
I’ve been gorging myself all day on baseball, and despite Mother Nature throwing a wrench into the proverbial gears early on it’s turned into a pretty enjoyable day of games, with a couple going into extra innings. You know the baseball season’s officially underway when Eric Gagné blows his first save. Instead of rehashing today’s match-ups, I’d like to relate a brief anecdote involving everyone’s favorite douchenozzle, Colin Cowherd. I cannot attest to the veracity of the tale as I am too lazy to hunt down corroborating evidence, but trust me that the following paraphasing is more or less accurate, though absolutely not verbatim, with a little creative license. And let me include this picture, just to set the mood.
“I’m excited for the baseball season to get underway. I just had my fantasy draft for my NL-only league, which I’m only doing to force myself to care about the NL, which we all know is IRRELEVANT. I thought I’d get some power and some RBIs on my team early on, so I picked Prince Fielder. Great pick, I was really proud of myself, and I’m sure the rest of my league was jealous, until I found out some horrible news.”
Listening in my car, I naturally assumed Prince had picked up a fluke injury unbeknownst to me, or perhaps had even been linked to PEDs. Boy, was I wrong.
“In the off-season Fielder became—get this!—a vegetarian! Can you believe it? They say he’s considering becoming a vegan! He’s done for. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure vegetarianism can be good for you and all, but vegetarians simply can not compete athletically at a professional level. It’s the truth. Just look at his spring stats! .290 average, 3 doubles, only 1 home run! Just watch, he’ll end the season with a .270 average and 3 home runs. I mean, have you ever looked at a vegan? They look so unhealthy, they look emaciated. Just compare a vegan’s body with say a linebacker. Take their shirts off and tell me who looks healthier. Take their shirts off, and the linebacker will win every time. And you know what, I had a girlfriend once who was vegetarian. HORRIBLE gas! It was like going out with a septic system! Who wants a smelly vegan in their locker room? I’m telling ya, .260, 4 home runs.”
After which Cowherd’s producer naturally went ahead and repeatedly played canned fart sounds, which I’m sure were right at his finger tips, in the probably reasonable hope that Cowherd would mention farting at some point during the show. By now I had reached my destination, thankfully, but I’m sure this “riff” went on for much longer, especially once Cowherd’s fanboys got going with it.