You Knew It Was Coming
It was only a matter of time until everyone’s favorite blubbering idiot jumped into the ongoing Yankees-Rays spring training brouhaha. Mr. Hankie had this laughable suggestion for all you mid- to small-market to not-completely-money-engorged franchises out there:
“I don’t want these teams in general to forget who subsidizes a lot of them, and it’s the Yankees, the Red Sox, Dodgers, Mets,” [Steinbrenner] said to The New York Post. “I would prefer if teams want to target the Yankees that they at least start giving some of that revenue sharing and luxury tax money back. From an owner’s point of view, that’s my point.”
You hear that all 26 other Major League teams? You are not allowed to try to beat the hallowed Yankees unless you pay them for deigning to set feet on the same field as your pathetic sub-$100 million payroll. The only legit teams are the ones that have the financial wherewithal to blow $40 million on Carl Pavano or hundreds of millions on an assortment of ‘roided-up goons. This is the goddamned Yankees, you hear?? Pinstripes, mothaf*%#a, pinstripes! Did your owner’s dad have a recurring character on Seinfeld, the greatest sitcom of all-time? No? Then buzz off, you small market wannabe hacks. Listen when Hank Steinbrenner talks to you, he was born with a silver money clip in his mouth! Now that’s authority! From now on, every team that does not pay the luxury tax must forfeit every game against the Yankees. You know what, screw it, Red Sox v. Yankees for 162 games, winner gets the World Series trophy. All the other teams must pay Hank for the pleasure of watching real baseball, while fanning his nude, sweaty, corpulent body with peacock feathers, feeding him grapes by hand, and dancing in front of his heavenly throne. That’s Yankees baseball, baby.
March 16th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Another gem of a quote from Hank:
“There are going to be problems, especially if they go after our stars,” Steinbrenner added. “It’s not going to be tolerated. We never have done it to them. It’s just not going to happen anymore.”
Um, which stars would those be? Francisco Cervelli? Shelley Duncan? I must have missed their promotion from mediocrity to starhood.
March 16th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
All other Major League teams beware—the next time you fuck with Shelley Duncan or Frankie Cervelli, the Yankees militia will be coming your way to deliver some mafia justice on your ass. And we’re not talking beanballs and spikes-first slides, we’re talking straight up killers like Paul O’Neill and Scott Brosius coming to your house at night and executing your firstborn child.
You’ve been forewarned.
P.S. Thanks for putting the image of a nude Hank Steinbrenner in my head, I don’t think I’ll be able to eat for the next week.