This Is Why (Besides Jeffrey Loria) the Florida Marlins Are Going to Be the San Antonio Marlins
Pedro Martinez was forced to wait for a table for like 30 minutes at a posh Miami nightspot, while Star Jones … Star *Fucking* Jones cruised right by and got a table immediately. Oh the humanity.
Star Jones contributions to society are being a vapid cow on a man-hating show called “The View” and now, um, yeah, drawing a blank. Marrying a guy that’s vaguely gay? Getting her stomach stapled and still being hideously unattractive? Being the third-world street urchin’s Oprah?
Pedro Martinez is probably our No. 1 all-time athlete around these parts and his contributions to society are numerous: beaning Gerald Williams, throwing Don Zimmer to the ground by his head, telling the Boston press to “wake the Bambino up so I can drill him in the ass”, having the bossest jeri curl since Eriq De La Salle in Coming to America, making a two-foot Dominican little person the mascot of the 2004 Red Sox, plunking chronic strike-zone leaners Alfonso Soriano and Derek Jeter back-to-back in a game and sending both to the hospital, allegedly telling an SI for Kids reporter that his greatest ambition in life was to “fuck Sandra Bullock” having the greatest two-year run of any pitcher in baseball history, making every one of his starts an event for seven years in Boston, putting up an ungodly 1.74 ERA in Fenway Park smack dab in the middle of the steroid era in 2000, having the best career ERA+ in baseball history, having a K:BB higher than 5.98 for four straight seasons and that’s just the beginning.
Fist Pound: Pedro Martinez Will Not Wait to Be Seated [The Big Picture]
That was by far the best summation of Pedro Martinez’s accomplishments I have ever read. You should send that to the Hall of Fame for future use on Pedro’s plaque.