Real Life Imitates ‘Major League’
When they release the Criterion Collection version of ‘Major League,’ I hope one of the special features is an alternate ending that tracks the 2008 Marlins. There’s no doubt now after the Miguel Cabrera deal that Florida owner Jeffrey Loria is deliberately trying to execute fictional Indians owner Rachel Phelps plan: “Looking at a small stadium, she wants to move to warmer climes where some new stadiums have been built, but her lease has only one escape clause, poor attendance. She fields the worst team she can find.”
Those words sound awfully similar to Dayn Perry’s feelings on what Loria is trying to “accomplish” now in South Florida.
And now he’s at it again. Because the taxpayers of South Florida have been loath to buy Loria a place to do business, he’s doing his Dr. Kevorkian act once again. Selig loves nothing so much as a publicly-financed stadium, and the reams of research proving that these projects are net losers for the public (claims of the “economic development” that follow new constructions are wildly overstated) have done nothing to dissuade him. Miami is the latest municipality to refuse to knuckle under to Selig, and Loria, as a rejoinder, is putting an increasingly miserable product on the field.
It’s obvious who Loria would play: Rachel Phelps (though hopefully sans the strip cardboard cutout thing). What about the rest of the cast?
Jake Taylor: Taylor was the wily has-been catcher with plenty of MLB experience and he was probably one of the most well-paid scrubs brought in by Phelps. Florida catcher Miguel Olivo is the obvious choice here since he has the most service time of any Marlin and he should also have the top salary on the team next season.
Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn: Scott Olsen. Have you seen his mugshot? Olsen definitely could have played alongside Vaughn in the California Penal League.
Roger Dorn: Doughy, lousy fielder, probably the Indians best all-around player. That sounds like Miguel Cabrera to me. (I know Dorn returns in Major League 2, that’s why it’s an ALTERNATE ending. Did I mention in this alternate ending the Marlindians suck and Rachel Phelps gets his/her wish?)
Lou Brown: The manager. Fredi Gonzalez, the Marlins manager would have to play him. They have two things in common: they both have facial hair and both will manage the Toledo Mud Hens at some point.
Willie Mays Hayes/Pedro Cerrano: Hanley Ramirez. It’s a perfect power-speed combo. Plus, the only way Hanley can hit a curve is if Hayes is part of the equation.
Charlie Donovan: The general manager. Larry Beinfest. Still good at his job despite working for an owner that’s a big douche.
Harry Doyle: Bob Uecker. (Please can someone make this happen?)
Eddie Harris: No one. (Are you kidding me? Way too fucking expensive. Harris was a veteran. Plus Loria would also have to spring for a season’s supply of vagisil to make his curve drop and that’s not going to happen.)
Clue Haywood: Dmitri Young. Just because.
Additional Reading