Defensive Indifference

Except maybe “wow”. We promised masturbation-related baseball news, so here it is. Mr. Aubrey Huff and Bubba the Love Sponge, take it away:

Bubba: “Now Aubrey, do you jack off a lot on the road, like when you’re not with your wife.”

Huff: “It’s all I do. It’s all I do. You guys have no idea how much downtime there is in baseball. You wake up from a hangover about 1 o’clock.”

Producer shouts: “In the afternoon?”

Huff: “Oh, yeah! Lemme tell you this. When you are hung over, how horny are you? I’m horny, when I’m hungover, I’m horny. So I’m just gonna beat off. And that’s all I do.”

Bubba: “And do you have your own room or do you have a roommate.”

Huff: “No, I’ve got my own room. C’mon, I’m not gonna beat off in front of my own roommate. C’mon Bubba!”

Bubba: “What time is the team bus to get to the field, like 5?”

Huff: “Four o’clock.”

Bubba: “So for three hours you’re just jerking the fuck outta yourself.

Huff: You know what they have now in the hotels is the [unintelligable, presumably porn] for $34.99, you get the whole section.”

Bubba: “Who does that get billed to, you or the Orioles?

Huff: “No, that’s my own gig. When you check out and she (the hotel clerk) says, $34.99 and she looks at you as you’re checking out: ‘Ahh, you beat the shit outta it, didn’t ya?’ ‘Yeah, pretty much! Yeah, I jacked the fucking shit outta it!’ ”

Bubba: “So they did the room and you do the incidentals.”

Huff: “Yeah, incidentals are all us, which include porn. And jacking off.”

Those last few quotes are just off-the-charts hilarious. I just want to point out that Aubrey Huff essentially gets paid to get drunk and whack off, and occasionally play mediocre baseball, for $8 million per year. Bad times for Orioles fans. But at least he has a sense of humor. Oh, and if he and Hideki Matsui ever get together, stay the fuck away.